Improved Couples Therapy
As part of our practice at The Woodlands Stress Clinic, we do couples therapy with couples who come to us with relationship problems. They often are seeking help because they are at the end of their rope and they want to avoid that last gesture of desperation, separation or divorce. We have found over the years that the most common source of marital trouble and discord is an inability to speak to each other effectively. You may have seen examples of this problem in your social circle or between other couples in troubled relationships. You can sometimes watch as two people throw opinions and judgements at each other without listening to each other. Their discussions resemble a court room process where one attorney tries to prevail over the attorney of the opposing side. In court there is an eventual resolution because the judge will insist on it. But in a relationship, this unhappy style of communicating can continue until one or both partners give up and begin to look for the exit. The root of this kind of problem is often a pattern of talking without listening. Two people communicate by giving opinions and defending those opinions with increasing determination to prove themselves right in the face of mounting opposition from the other partner. The matter is complicated further when compromise becomes less important than the need to be right, no matter what the cost or the damage to the relationship. (You can see this played out on the TV news daily, as fight and die for the privilege of being right). As long as a couple continues to speak to each other through their opinions without expressing their feelings, their mutual unhappiness is guaranteed. Success in communication hinges on learning to say how they feel about what is going on. For example, “When you say that, it makes me sad.” instead of “That is (or you are) wrong, stupid or bad!”. The first is a feeling; the second is an opinion. Opinions can be debated, but feelings are personal. While the opinion may or may not be not based on truth, the expression of that opinion will always provoke the expression of a differing opinion… and you are off to the races. Changing your style of communicating takes time, coaching and practice. For many people, communicating in this way does not come naturally. Partners may come from homes where feelings were not discussed or dealt with in an open way. Or perhaps in their family only angry feelings were expressed, but never sad feelings. But once this new style of communication becomes a habit, partners can become a source of support and comfort to each other rather than a source of stress and anxiety from marital...
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